Being April

In January, I joined a singing group called the Grace Notes. At the time the group was comprised of Luanne, the eighty something year old pianist and director, Donna, the seventy something soprano, Jean, the sixty something alto, and Rosetta, the fifty something soprano. Jean is in my ward, and she has been trying to find another alto to join the group to help her out, so she invited me the very first Sunday that I showed up at ward choir. The first day that I showed up at Luanne’s house where the rehearsals were held, everyone commented on how incredibly young I was, and they seemed shocked when I told them I had four children, because none of them thought I looked older than about 15. They had just started working on some music that they hoped to perform for the children at the library in the summer, and they eagerly welcomed me to the group. Jean was right. She did need help. She has one of those really great, deep alto voices, but she has a really hard time finding her no...

I have been thinking a lot about depression lately. I think I was depressed most of my teenage years, and then again for several years after I was married. I don't think mine was chemical, just mostly lonely and not really comfortable with who I was. When Deano and Andrew were little, I would go to playgroups craving social interaction so much. The kids would play, while the moms sat in a semicircle with half an eye on the kids, and just chat. I would spend the two hours there sitting in near silence. I couldn't figure out what to say, or how to insert myself into the conversations with people talking about the weekends that they had spent together, or their plans to hang out that evening. Sometimes one of them would go out of their way to talk to me, ask me questions and I would answer them. I was never very good at keeping the conversation going though, and they would soon move on to other things. Most weeks, I would be looking forward to the social interaction all week, the...

I've been sick for two weeks now. Stuffy nose mostly. I had a headache and sinus pains in the beginning, but most of that is gone now. Then this morning I woke up without a voice. It hurts to talk, even to whisper. Despite that, I was feeling better than I had been, and I decided to mow the lawn. Dean mowed when we moved in, but a week and a half later it needed it, and there were some parts on the side of the house that he hadn't done at all which had grass growing about two feet tall. I went out to mow, giving the children strict instructions to clean up after themselves when they ate breakfast, keep the gate shut which we put up to keep the dog out of the kids' bedrooms, and watch Owen like a hawk, or else keep him in the backyard. Two hours later, exhausted, sunburned, covered in grass, blisters on my hands, and only the front and side yards done, I decided to call it quits and finish tomorrow. I came in eager to rest, drink some water, and maybe spend some time with ...

Life has been crazy busy these past couple of weeks! We moved into a new house, and we got a dog! I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with everything that I have to be doing right now. Owen (the dog) needs constant supervision, or he likes to grab the kids' toys and socks and run off with them. He also has to be watched so he doesn't have an accident in the house. We've had him just over a week, and he's getting better at house-training, but as he gets to be more comfortable here, he is taking more liberties with stealing and chewing up our stuff. I'm trying to get the kids to put away their stuff, and keep their bedroom doors shut, but it is so hard! I'm just as bad. Dean's socks seem to be his favorite. He also barks and whines SO MUCH! He wants us to play with him! He's a puppy, he just wants to play. I'm assuming that's why he keeps stealing our stuff, because we chase him and play tug of war, and he seems to like that. Dean is gone for a ...

Life sucks... sometimes... it really does. I have many times in my life when things just weren't working out in the way that I expected or wanted them to. I've had long periods of time when I have been lonely or frustrated or discouraged. Right now I am so frustrated because the rain is preventing roofers to replace the roof on my new house, so we can't close on the house. I'm stuck in an obnoxious state of limbo for an indeterminate amount of time. Dean is going to be out of town for all of June, and right now, best case scenario gets us closing on our house on May 29th. I kinda doubt that will work out though, because the ten day forecast has rain every single day until June 1st. If things work out as I fear, the house will finally close after Dean has left. I'll have to get a power of attorney so I can sign for him. I'll have to organize the move myself. We have outdoor things that need to be put together that I'll have to do myself. I'll have to figu...

What exactly does it mean to be a woman? Other than anatomy, what makes females different than males? (disclaimer: This is probably way more information than anyone needs to know, but this blog is mostly for me, so whatever. ) I spent much of my youth wishing that I weren't a girl. I hated wearing skirts or dresses to church and other formal occasions, I hated feeling pressured to wear makeup and have my hair look a certain way. I fought hard against those things. I never wore makeup until the day I was married, and only a handful of times since. I kept my hair in a ponytail more or less constantly for 15 years. I only wear a skirt when I absolutely have to, and I usually change into pants as soon as the occasion is over. I wore men's pants and baggy t-shirts for many years. (mens pants have bigger pockets) I have since ditched the men's pants, but I still prefer baggy t-shirts although I have been trying not to wear them as much. As a child I enjoyed climbing ...