Depression
I have been thinking a lot about depression lately. I think I was depressed most of my teenage years, and then again for several years after I was married. I don't think mine was chemical, just mostly lonely and not really comfortable with who I was.
When Deano and Andrew were little, I would go to playgroups craving social interaction so much. The kids would play, while the moms sat in a semicircle with half an eye on the kids, and just chat. I would spend the two hours there sitting in near silence. I couldn't figure out what to say, or how to insert myself into the conversations with people talking about the weekends that they had spent together, or their plans to hang out that evening. Sometimes one of them would go out of their way to talk to me, ask me questions and I would answer them. I was never very good at keeping the conversation going though, and they would soon move on to other things. Most weeks, I would be looking forward to the social interaction all week, then go and sit in silence for two hours, and then go home and cry. When I was pregnant with Isaac, four other women in the group were pregnant at the same time, and we were all due within two months of each other. One of the women in the group threw a baby shower for each of those four women, but not me. It wasn't my first baby, and I didn't need a baby shower, but neither was it the first baby of any of the other women in the group. It was just a chance for the friends to get together and hang out and celebrate their baby. I was invited to one of those baby showers, but not the others. I wasn't really upset about not having a baby shower, but it just served as a reminder that I wasn't their friend, I was just the one who sat there awkwardly every week. At least my kids were playing and making friends, otherwise I would have stopped going. We moved while I was pregnant with Isaac, and I was grateful.
The next place that we lived, we stayed for five years. That was the longest that I had lived anywhere since the home I grew up in. It took some time, but there I found a couple of friends that I could really call friends. We weren't besties or anything, and I would sometimes be sad when I would hear that a couple of them were hanging out without inviting me, or their families had gotten together for some holiday. I never did that. I wanted to. I never had the courage to invite anyone, and no one ever invited me. I rarely invited anyone to go do things with me, because I was worried that they would say no, or worse, they would say yes out of a sense of obligation when they were withing they could be doing something else. I figured that if anyone really wanted to hang out with me, they would have invited me.
Through all of this I was mom. I had completely lost my sense of who I was. I was chef and laundress and nurse and teacher and nanny and maid and cow. Before becoming a mom, I was never super happy with who I was, and now I had lost even that. That's when I decided to take an art class. I needed something for me, something that had nothing to do with kids or husband, or church, or any of my other responsibilities. I had never thought of myself as an artist, and although I have several family members who are artistic, I never counted myself as one of them. One of my friends was teaching the class, and two more were taking the class, so they invite me to join them. It was one of the first invitations that I had had, so I jumped at the chance. It turns out that I really like drawing! I particularly love drawing people. When I was creating, spending time away from my family, and spending time with some friends, that depression started to lift. That was when I figured out that I really need a hobby outside of my family. Since then I have taken a watercolor class, took classes for the pathway program, participated in a musical, joined the Cheyenne Capitol Chorale, and now I'm in a little singing group with some hilarious old ladies. :)
Three and a half years ago, Dean was deployed, and I had four small children including a newborn. I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life. I learned a few significant things that helped me in this time period. One was how to ask for help. Apparently most people are willing to help, and would even enjoy the opportunity oftentimes, and by refusing help, or trying to do it all myself, I am depriving people of opportunities to serve. Maybe it would be helpful to them to help me. I learned that it's okay to invite people to do things. They might say no, and that's okay. They might say yes just because they know I need the company, and that's okay too. If they do that, then it means that they really care about me. I also learned that going to the temple helps me keep my stress levels down.
Around that same time I was introduced to Carol Tuttle's energy profiling system. More recently it seems to be more about fashion, and I don't really care much about that portion, but I read her book, "It's Just My Nature," and "The Child Whisperer," and they really helped me to understand better who I am. At some point in my childhood I decided I was someone who couldn't like anything girly, I couldn't be enthusiastic, I couldn't be too silly, I couldn't hug or even high five without being super awkward, I had to be smart and serious and mature all the time. With my family I could be silly, but outside of my family I was a completely different person. After learning about this energy system I realized that being fun and silly is a vital part of who I am, and I had been stifling that part of myself in public since I was a child. It was also helpful to learn about my children and my husband and others around me so I can be more loving and understanding toward them.
Right about the same time Dean got back from that deployment, just under three years ago, I had a friend who was working on becoming certified as a life coach. She needed a test client, and asked if I would be interested. I accepted eagerly, and with her I was able to work through a few of my issues. I realized the reasons for a lot of the self deprecating thoughts that I had, and I was able to change them. I only worked with her for a couple months, but it opened my mind to my own thought process. After that, I was a lot more aware of what I was thinking, and why.
Finally, about a year ago, around the same time that we moved away from Green River, a friend recommended the podcast, "Better than Happy" by Jody Moore. Even with all of the previous changes in my life, I feel that this podcast has changed my life yet again. With Jody, I learned not only to be aware of my thoughts, but to choose my thoughts. I learned that circumstances are neutral. It is the thoughts that I attribute to it that give the circumstance meaning. I learned that it is the thoughts that I have about the circumstances that create emotions. I learned that the reasons that we do anything is because we want to feel a certain emotion. When we are aware of that we can find a thought to create the emotion first, and then we are more successful in what we do, and we do it with a clearer head and for the right reasons. I learned that there are emotions that are better than happy. I learned that sadness, loneliness, frustration, unease, guilt, disappointment, and even anger have their place, and as long as we are in control of our thoughts, then these emotions can drive us to actions that will create the best results in our lives. Growth and progress come usually come from emotions other than happy. I am now more focused on looking at the results that my thoughts are creating. If it is a good result, then it is a good thought, and I'll keep it. If I don't like the result, then I need to reevaluate my thinking. The circumstances may or may not change, but I can choose what I think about it no matter what.
I haven't felt depressed in a while. I'm not always happy, and I'm totally okay with that. I've finally gotten to a place where I like who I am. I know I'm not perfect, but that's not the point. I like who I am, and I have a lot of work to do to become the best version of myself. I'm not scared to show who I am anymore. If people don't like me, that's okay. Maybe I'm not for everyone. If I want company, I still get a little nervous about inviting people to do things with me, but I'm working on it. I'm a lot less upset about feeling lonely because I understand it's my own fault and I can change it at any time.
When Deano and Andrew were little, I would go to playgroups craving social interaction so much. The kids would play, while the moms sat in a semicircle with half an eye on the kids, and just chat. I would spend the two hours there sitting in near silence. I couldn't figure out what to say, or how to insert myself into the conversations with people talking about the weekends that they had spent together, or their plans to hang out that evening. Sometimes one of them would go out of their way to talk to me, ask me questions and I would answer them. I was never very good at keeping the conversation going though, and they would soon move on to other things. Most weeks, I would be looking forward to the social interaction all week, then go and sit in silence for two hours, and then go home and cry. When I was pregnant with Isaac, four other women in the group were pregnant at the same time, and we were all due within two months of each other. One of the women in the group threw a baby shower for each of those four women, but not me. It wasn't my first baby, and I didn't need a baby shower, but neither was it the first baby of any of the other women in the group. It was just a chance for the friends to get together and hang out and celebrate their baby. I was invited to one of those baby showers, but not the others. I wasn't really upset about not having a baby shower, but it just served as a reminder that I wasn't their friend, I was just the one who sat there awkwardly every week. At least my kids were playing and making friends, otherwise I would have stopped going. We moved while I was pregnant with Isaac, and I was grateful.
The next place that we lived, we stayed for five years. That was the longest that I had lived anywhere since the home I grew up in. It took some time, but there I found a couple of friends that I could really call friends. We weren't besties or anything, and I would sometimes be sad when I would hear that a couple of them were hanging out without inviting me, or their families had gotten together for some holiday. I never did that. I wanted to. I never had the courage to invite anyone, and no one ever invited me. I rarely invited anyone to go do things with me, because I was worried that they would say no, or worse, they would say yes out of a sense of obligation when they were withing they could be doing something else. I figured that if anyone really wanted to hang out with me, they would have invited me.
Through all of this I was mom. I had completely lost my sense of who I was. I was chef and laundress and nurse and teacher and nanny and maid and cow. Before becoming a mom, I was never super happy with who I was, and now I had lost even that. That's when I decided to take an art class. I needed something for me, something that had nothing to do with kids or husband, or church, or any of my other responsibilities. I had never thought of myself as an artist, and although I have several family members who are artistic, I never counted myself as one of them. One of my friends was teaching the class, and two more were taking the class, so they invite me to join them. It was one of the first invitations that I had had, so I jumped at the chance. It turns out that I really like drawing! I particularly love drawing people. When I was creating, spending time away from my family, and spending time with some friends, that depression started to lift. That was when I figured out that I really need a hobby outside of my family. Since then I have taken a watercolor class, took classes for the pathway program, participated in a musical, joined the Cheyenne Capitol Chorale, and now I'm in a little singing group with some hilarious old ladies. :)
Three and a half years ago, Dean was deployed, and I had four small children including a newborn. I was more lonely than I had ever been in my life. I learned a few significant things that helped me in this time period. One was how to ask for help. Apparently most people are willing to help, and would even enjoy the opportunity oftentimes, and by refusing help, or trying to do it all myself, I am depriving people of opportunities to serve. Maybe it would be helpful to them to help me. I learned that it's okay to invite people to do things. They might say no, and that's okay. They might say yes just because they know I need the company, and that's okay too. If they do that, then it means that they really care about me. I also learned that going to the temple helps me keep my stress levels down.
Around that same time I was introduced to Carol Tuttle's energy profiling system. More recently it seems to be more about fashion, and I don't really care much about that portion, but I read her book, "It's Just My Nature," and "The Child Whisperer," and they really helped me to understand better who I am. At some point in my childhood I decided I was someone who couldn't like anything girly, I couldn't be enthusiastic, I couldn't be too silly, I couldn't hug or even high five without being super awkward, I had to be smart and serious and mature all the time. With my family I could be silly, but outside of my family I was a completely different person. After learning about this energy system I realized that being fun and silly is a vital part of who I am, and I had been stifling that part of myself in public since I was a child. It was also helpful to learn about my children and my husband and others around me so I can be more loving and understanding toward them.
Right about the same time Dean got back from that deployment, just under three years ago, I had a friend who was working on becoming certified as a life coach. She needed a test client, and asked if I would be interested. I accepted eagerly, and with her I was able to work through a few of my issues. I realized the reasons for a lot of the self deprecating thoughts that I had, and I was able to change them. I only worked with her for a couple months, but it opened my mind to my own thought process. After that, I was a lot more aware of what I was thinking, and why.
Finally, about a year ago, around the same time that we moved away from Green River, a friend recommended the podcast, "Better than Happy" by Jody Moore. Even with all of the previous changes in my life, I feel that this podcast has changed my life yet again. With Jody, I learned not only to be aware of my thoughts, but to choose my thoughts. I learned that circumstances are neutral. It is the thoughts that I attribute to it that give the circumstance meaning. I learned that it is the thoughts that I have about the circumstances that create emotions. I learned that the reasons that we do anything is because we want to feel a certain emotion. When we are aware of that we can find a thought to create the emotion first, and then we are more successful in what we do, and we do it with a clearer head and for the right reasons. I learned that there are emotions that are better than happy. I learned that sadness, loneliness, frustration, unease, guilt, disappointment, and even anger have their place, and as long as we are in control of our thoughts, then these emotions can drive us to actions that will create the best results in our lives. Growth and progress come usually come from emotions other than happy. I am now more focused on looking at the results that my thoughts are creating. If it is a good result, then it is a good thought, and I'll keep it. If I don't like the result, then I need to reevaluate my thinking. The circumstances may or may not change, but I can choose what I think about it no matter what.
I haven't felt depressed in a while. I'm not always happy, and I'm totally okay with that. I've finally gotten to a place where I like who I am. I know I'm not perfect, but that's not the point. I like who I am, and I have a lot of work to do to become the best version of myself. I'm not scared to show who I am anymore. If people don't like me, that's okay. Maybe I'm not for everyone. If I want company, I still get a little nervous about inviting people to do things with me, but I'm working on it. I'm a lot less upset about feeling lonely because I understand it's my own fault and I can change it at any time.
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