Grace Notes

In January, I joined a singing group called the Grace Notes. At the time the group was comprised of Luanne, the eighty something year old pianist and director, Donna, the seventy something soprano, Jean, the sixty something alto, and Rosetta, the fifty something soprano. Jean is in my ward, and she has been trying to find another alto to join the group to help her out, so she invited me the very first Sunday that I showed up at ward choir.

The first day that I showed up at Luanne’s house where the rehearsals were held, everyone commented on how incredibly young I was, and they seemed shocked when I told them I had four children, because none of them thought I looked older than about 15. They had just started working on some music that they hoped to perform for the children at the library in the summer, and they eagerly welcomed me to the group. Jean was right. She did need help. She has one of those really great, deep alto voices, but she has a really hard time finding her notes unless someone is singing with her. Between the two of us, we were doing okay.

I missed rehearsals for all of March while Dean was at a class in Utah. Dean went to another class in Arizona in June, but so close to our July performance, I had to start finding babysitters to watch the kids so I could go. Three weeks in a row, my babysitters cancelled at the last minute, so the third week I just brought the kids with me, with books, and coloring pages, and the iPad, and strict instructions to be quiet and not touch anything! When Dean got back from training in Arizona, his work schedule had been switched to working every single evening, so my babysitting debacle had not improved.

Some time along the way, Rosetta had to drop out, and I invited a friend, Cassie, the mother of Andrew’s best friend Oliver, to join us. She sings Soprano, so she filled Rosetta’s place nicely. It was also nice to have someone a little closer to my own age in the group. Cassie has actually had some serious singing training, and has an amazing voice! Luanne quickly noticed this, and started having Cassie come early to our rehearsals to work one on one with her on some solos.

As we got closer to the performances in July, we shifted a bit from simply learning the music to adding props and a bit of movement and lots of expression. A couple of the songs are super silly, so we were all throwing out ideas of how we should present them to the kids. It seemed to me that although everyone else’s ideas were getting considered, every time I said anything at all, Luanne shot them down with a roll of the eyes and a quick excuse why it was a horrible idea. At one point she went on and on about how she has more years doing these sorts of productions than I have been alive.

A couple of weeks ago, as we were rehearsing, Luanne asked if there were any parts that anyone felt we should go over. There was one song that I knew Jean was really struggling with, so I suggested we go over that one. There were a couple of points where I knew that Jean and I weren’t singing the same thing like we were supposed to, so I asked if we could go over those parts. Luanne then proceeded to go on for at least ten minutes about how my voice is very young and immature and how Jean’s voice is so much more mature, and how she is a true alto, and I shouldn’t even be singing alto anyways, so our voices just clash, and that there was no point running that part of the song again. I went home that day and cried. It was one thing having my ideas shot down again and again when everyone else gets fair consideration, and quite another to have my voice criticized in that way, especially when I’ve already felt a little insecure and out of my comfort zone. She told me a few days later that she knew that Jean struggles, she just didn’t want to embarrass her. I know Jean though, and I think she would prefer to know if she’s doing it wrong so she can work on it and fix it. I don’t think we were embarrassing her. So instead of embarrassing Jean, she just made me feel like an idiot and an awful singer.

In the beginning, Luanne had said that we needed to have the songs memorized, then a few weeks ago, she had suggested that we get matching binders because a couple of us were having a hard time memorizing some parts. So, Jean got binders for everyone, and made a cute cover for them that matched the theme of our show. By last week though, we finally had most of it memorized. Then Luanne was saying that we should use the books for just the one song that we were struggling with the words, and leave it for the rest of it. I made a comment about how that might look kind of weird to use the books for just one song, and she started chastising me again, saying that she has led countless choirs for decades and how she knew that it wouldn’t be strange at all. One of the songs that we sang was supposed to be a mock serious opera song, and I made the comment that if we were going to use the books for one song, it might work better for this one because it was seemingly more formal, especially since Jean had gone to all the trouble to make them, and we did decide not to use them for the other song. Then she went off again saying that she would never allow her serious singers in a recital use a book, and it just wouldn’t be done… She basically contradicted herself, making me feel very small and immature. I began to think that she was just enjoying disagreeing with everything I ever had to say.

I decided that after these performances, I would be done with the group. I spent a big chunk of my childhood being upset because I wasn’t taken seriously because of my youth, and so I tried for so long to act more grown up, and I squashed most of my silliness outside of my home. For more than a decade I barely spoke in public because I was scared of being ridiculed. Now It’s happening again. I don’t want to be in this situation anymore. I love the other women in the group, I love the singing, and before the babysitting conundrums, I loved the evening off once a week. But I’m tired of feeling like a little kid in a room full of adults, and my ideas and opinions not carrying the same weight as everyone else there. So I decided that after this week, I’m done.

Tuesday was the first of two performances. Each week, the library has a summer reading program, on Tuesdays at 10:30 for the younger children, and then on Thursdays at 1 for the older children. We would be performing at both. Tuesday came, and we performed. We messed up a couple of parts due mostly to nerves, but for the most part it was good, and no one else noticed our mistakes. I told them as we were packing up to leave that I would be done after Thursday’s performance. They asked me why, and I gave the babysitting problem as the reason, which was definitely a contributing factor, but not the main issue. Jean especially was upset, because she really does need me. Luanne was acting disappointed too, and they were all trying to figure out a better time to meet so that I would be able to continue to come. I said maybe, and left it at that for now. They decided that they would take a break until September, and reevaluate the schedule then, that’ll also give me time to decide what I want to do.

Immediately after that, one of them asked what time we needed to be there on Thursday. Luanne said 1:30. Not trying to be disrespectful or anything, I asked if she was sure, because the event started at 1. She told me that she had scheduled it, and she knew for a fact that it was at 1:30. It was the way that she said it, that once again made me feel like a little kid that was questioning her elders, I could tell by her face and her voice that I was just frustrating her, so I didn’t pursue it.

Today, we met at her house at 12:30 to do a last-minute rehearsal to go over the parts that we had messed up on Tuesday, then shortly after one, we headed over so we could get set up at the library before the children arrived. When we got there though, the children were all there, and the librarians were all wondering where we were, because we were supposed to start at 1. Luckily, the librarians are flexible, and they had other activities the keep the kids busy while they waited. I had been right about the time. She may know way more than me about music and performing, and she may have decades more experience than me in most things, but I bring my kids to the library summer reading program almost every week. I know what time it starts. Could she not just trust me in this one thing, and at least ask for clarification from the librarian? Could she have at least apologized or even acknowledged that I had known all along that we should have been there earlier? No. She was complaining to all the other women that she had written down 1:30, and she didn’t know how she could have gotten it wrong.

Anyways, we did the show, it was pretty good. We did great at the songs that we had messed up on Tuesday, but messed up another one that we hadn’t bothered to rehearse again because we had done fine. Whatever. The kids seemed to enjoy it, and everyone said it was good. As we were finishing up, all of the ladies decided to go out for a late lunch together, except for me because I had my kids with me. As they were heading out the door, Luanne came over to me and said that she worries about me alone with Dean working so much, and she wants to be there for me, and to call her if I ever need anything. I’m not sure how to take that. She would probably be the last person I would call for help right now. It was kind of her, but does she even realize what she has been doing to me, and how she has been speaking to me? Maybe she doesn’t. Should I tell her? Would that get her to stop? Would that make things awkward between us? Maybe I really should just quit. I still don’t know what to do, but I guess now I have until September to figure it out.