Baby Blues
I think over the past week and a half, I have averaged maybe two
hours of sleep each night. Most days I have gotten to take at least a
short nap, but not every day, and they usually are very short. I am
exhausted. I am realizing more and more just how difficult this is.
Yesterday we went to MaeLyn's house for Thanksgiving, and MaeLyn was
able to get little Dean to stop crying fairly easily, but then the
moment I took him back he started crying again. He does the same thing
when handed to Tejay or to Dean or to pretty much anyone else. MaeLyn
has had four kids, and has dealt with all of this before and knows some
tricks of the trade. Its not a matter of him liking her any better
than me. I know that. But it is still kinda hurts.
Last week he was still losing more weight than the doctor felt comfortable with, so she asked me to pump milk for him and supplement him with that to get him to eat more. I didn't see any problem with that, so I did. Well, it worked. He did gain some weight, but then he decided that it was just easier to eat from a bottle than from me. Sure it was still breast milk, but it still kinda hurt my feelings. It has taken days to get him to be willing to eat from me without putting up a fight. This involved a lot of screaming because he was hungry, and he wanted to eat, but I just wasn't giving it to him in the form that he wanted. After trying to get him to eat for half an hour or more of straight screaming I would frequently give up and just give him pumped milk... giving him just what he wanted. I don't know why that hurt my feelings so much. I stopped pumping milk for him and eventually he was willing to eat from me again, but it took several days.
At night he will wake up every time I put him down. He'll sleep in a bouncer chair or a swing just fine during the day, but if I try and put him in there at night he wakes up within a couple of minutes crying. I can't get him to sleep in the cradle at all. The only place that I've been able to get him to sleep at night other than in my arms is in my bed with me, and then only if I have a hand on him. If I take my hand off then he wakes up almost instantly. I am torn between wanting him to sleep well, and not wanting him to get in bad habits. I'd really rather not have him sleep in my bed. It just seems dangerous, plus I'm sure it will get annoying once he's older. I have that same debate during the day when he is sleeping. Do I just hold him so that he'll sleep better, or do I put him down so that he learns to sleep without being held. Its really no problem for me to just hold him during the day. I enjoy it most of the time. That was especially difficult with Dean here because Dean didn't have long with him, so he would want to hold him almost constantly.
Dean left this morning. I took him to the airport early. They let me go in past security and wait with him at the gate. That is one nice thing about the military, but that really didn't make things much better. It delayed our parting for about an hour. But then little Dean decided that he needed to eat desperately and immediately... so that extra hour that I got with Dean was cut in half. Just after Dean boarded the plane little Dean started crying because I put him back in the car seat, and because I cut his feeding session short. He continued to cry most of the way home. I was just glad that it was at the Colorado Springs airport and not the Denver airport. I don't think I could have dealt with the crying all the way home from Denver.
So now Dean is gone. It didn't really sink in until I was getting out of the car at home. I went to take the carseat out of the car to take little Dean inside, and I realized that I had never done it before. Dean had always done that. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out how to get it out. As I was trying to get it out I was thinking of all the other things that Dean did. He changed most of the diapers. I changed all of the ones at night, so its not like I hadn't been getting any practice, but it was still nice to be able to hand him off. Dean would get me things when I was nursing, and he would burp him after almost every feeding. He would always push the stroller. He would hold him whether or not he needed to be held. Dean is such a great dad, but he didn't even get to do it for two weeks. The next time he'll get a chance, our son will be six or seven months old.
So I'm feeling somewhat depressed right now. I've been warned about this. When we were still in the hospital they had a psychiatrist come and talk to me about postpartum depression. He said that I was at high risk of it because of Dean's deployment. I didn't really think much of that then because I was just happy that Dean was home for a while. But now Dean is gone, and now I know what he was talking about. It is understandable that I would be sad that Dean is gone, there's nothing wrong with that. I think Dean's deployment on top of being thoroughly sleep deprived as well as being overwhelmed by a baby I hardly know how to take care of is making me feel the way I am feeling. I think I just need to get some sleep, and then get used to Dean being gone again, and then I'll be okay. I am figuring out this baby. It is difficult, but he is totally worth it.
Last week he was still losing more weight than the doctor felt comfortable with, so she asked me to pump milk for him and supplement him with that to get him to eat more. I didn't see any problem with that, so I did. Well, it worked. He did gain some weight, but then he decided that it was just easier to eat from a bottle than from me. Sure it was still breast milk, but it still kinda hurt my feelings. It has taken days to get him to be willing to eat from me without putting up a fight. This involved a lot of screaming because he was hungry, and he wanted to eat, but I just wasn't giving it to him in the form that he wanted. After trying to get him to eat for half an hour or more of straight screaming I would frequently give up and just give him pumped milk... giving him just what he wanted. I don't know why that hurt my feelings so much. I stopped pumping milk for him and eventually he was willing to eat from me again, but it took several days.
At night he will wake up every time I put him down. He'll sleep in a bouncer chair or a swing just fine during the day, but if I try and put him in there at night he wakes up within a couple of minutes crying. I can't get him to sleep in the cradle at all. The only place that I've been able to get him to sleep at night other than in my arms is in my bed with me, and then only if I have a hand on him. If I take my hand off then he wakes up almost instantly. I am torn between wanting him to sleep well, and not wanting him to get in bad habits. I'd really rather not have him sleep in my bed. It just seems dangerous, plus I'm sure it will get annoying once he's older. I have that same debate during the day when he is sleeping. Do I just hold him so that he'll sleep better, or do I put him down so that he learns to sleep without being held. Its really no problem for me to just hold him during the day. I enjoy it most of the time. That was especially difficult with Dean here because Dean didn't have long with him, so he would want to hold him almost constantly.
Dean left this morning. I took him to the airport early. They let me go in past security and wait with him at the gate. That is one nice thing about the military, but that really didn't make things much better. It delayed our parting for about an hour. But then little Dean decided that he needed to eat desperately and immediately... so that extra hour that I got with Dean was cut in half. Just after Dean boarded the plane little Dean started crying because I put him back in the car seat, and because I cut his feeding session short. He continued to cry most of the way home. I was just glad that it was at the Colorado Springs airport and not the Denver airport. I don't think I could have dealt with the crying all the way home from Denver.
So now Dean is gone. It didn't really sink in until I was getting out of the car at home. I went to take the carseat out of the car to take little Dean inside, and I realized that I had never done it before. Dean had always done that. It took me a couple of minutes to figure out how to get it out. As I was trying to get it out I was thinking of all the other things that Dean did. He changed most of the diapers. I changed all of the ones at night, so its not like I hadn't been getting any practice, but it was still nice to be able to hand him off. Dean would get me things when I was nursing, and he would burp him after almost every feeding. He would always push the stroller. He would hold him whether or not he needed to be held. Dean is such a great dad, but he didn't even get to do it for two weeks. The next time he'll get a chance, our son will be six or seven months old.
So I'm feeling somewhat depressed right now. I've been warned about this. When we were still in the hospital they had a psychiatrist come and talk to me about postpartum depression. He said that I was at high risk of it because of Dean's deployment. I didn't really think much of that then because I was just happy that Dean was home for a while. But now Dean is gone, and now I know what he was talking about. It is understandable that I would be sad that Dean is gone, there's nothing wrong with that. I think Dean's deployment on top of being thoroughly sleep deprived as well as being overwhelmed by a baby I hardly know how to take care of is making me feel the way I am feeling. I think I just need to get some sleep, and then get used to Dean being gone again, and then I'll be okay. I am figuring out this baby. It is difficult, but he is totally worth it.
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