Thoughts on Faith

Alma 32:

26 Now, as I said concerning faith—that it was not a perfect knowledge—even so it is with my words. Ye cannot know of their surety at first, unto perfection, any more than faith is a perfect knowledge.

27 But behold, if ye will awake and arouse your faculties, even to an experiment upon my words, and exercise a particle of faith, yea, even if ye can no more than desire to believe, let this desire work in you, even until ye believe in a manner that ye can give place for a portion of my words.

I have never really struggled with my faith until recently. And even now, I'm not so much having a struggle of faith, as I am trying to justify my faith, mostly to myself. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus Christ. I don't doubt the atonement. I believe that following the prophet will bless my life. I believe that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints contains the fullness of the gospel. Why? I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out. I have always believed, since before I can remember. I don't have proof. I don't believe there is any proof to be found, although there is plenty of evidence. I also believe that if I were looking for it, I could find plenty of evidence for the opposite. 

So why is it that I believe what I believe. Was I brainwashed as a child? Maybe. Does it matter? I was brainwashed not to run out into the street, and that has always served me well. The fact is, the gospel has served me well throughout my life. It gives me purpose, and hope, and peace, and love, and it helps me to be a better person. Because of all of these things, I desire to believe.

35 O then, is not this real? I say unto you, Yea, because it is light; and whatsoever is light, is good, because it is discernible, therefore ye must know that it is good; and now behold, after ye have tasted this light is your knowledge perfect?
 

When I was attending BYUI, I was taking a religion class in which I had to write a paper on the topic of grace. I had a major epiphany in the process of writing that paper. I suddenly got it. It was nothing different than I had been taught all my life, and so I never really could explain it to anyone else. It was all just suddenly crystal clear. It made total sense. I felt like I really understood the atonement, and grace, and the love that God has for me personally. I don't think I can ever deny that. It wasn't really a feeling, it was... I don't know... light. I don't have a better word for it.

37 And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring forth fruit unto us. And now behold, if ye nourish it with much care it will get root, and grow up, and bring forth fruit.

38 But if ye neglect the tree, and take no thought for its nourishment, behold it will not get any root; and when the heat of the sun cometh and scorcheth it, because it hath no root it withers away, and ye pluck it up and cast it out.

39 Now, this is not because the seed was not good, neither is it because the fruit thereof would not be desirable; but it is because your ground is barren, and ye will not nourish the tree, therefore ye cannot have the fruit thereof.

I think that maybe I have been a neglectful of my little tree in the past several years.
More recently though, as a mother, when I feel like I need guidance more than ever before in my life, I feel like I have been receiving it less and less. Why? Obviously because I haven't been putting the time in that is required. I shouldn't expect results to come if I'm not putting in the time. That doesn't mean the spirit isn't there. He hasn't distanced himself from me, it's the other way around. 

So... faith. It starts with a desire to believe. I have that. I'm okay with not having all of the answers. I'm pretty good at doing family prayer and scriptures, despite some neglect of my personal prayer and scriptures. I try to learn more about Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father, although perhaps a little more passively than I ought to. I go to church. I go to the temple, perhaps not as often as I should, but more often than I used to. I pay my tithing. I keep the commandments, the best I can. I try to love those around me, and serve others as often as I can. I keep doing all of the things that I'm supposed to do. Maybe in time I will become who I am capable of becoming. Right now I just want to stop feeling that I have to justify my beliefs. I feel like I have to justify it because I haven't felt a whole lot of spiritual confirmation, but I guess I really don't need it. I still want it though. There is a time for that, and I know it's really up to me to put the time and the effort into getting that. I believe anyways. That's okay. I can still choose to believe without it, and I don't have to justify that belief.

Each month this year, I've set a goal, and so far, I've managed to accomplish all of them. I've been a little late getting there in May. I'm a full week in, but that's okay. For each day the rest of this month, I am going to spend a minimum of 30 minutes working on my relationship with Heavenly Father. Time spent in prayer and/or scripture study. Is that enough? I don't know. It's more than I've been doing, so I guess I'll start there. 

42 And because of your diligence and your faith and your patience with the word in nourishing it, that it may take root in you, behold, by and by ye shall pluck the fruit thereof, which is most precious, which is sweet above all that is sweet, and which is white above all that is white, yea, and pure above all that is pure; and ye shall feast upon this fruit even until ye are filled, that ye hunger not, neither shall ye thirst.

43 Then, my brethren, ye shall reap the rewards of your faith, and your diligence, and patience, and long-suffering, waiting for the tree to bring forth fruit unto you.