I'm a girl
What exactly does it mean to be a woman? Other than anatomy, what makes females different than males?
(disclaimer: This is probably way more information than anyone needs to know, but this blog is mostly for me, so whatever. )
I spent much of my youth wishing that I weren't a girl. I hated wearing skirts or dresses to church and other formal occasions, I hated feeling pressured to wear makeup and have my hair look a certain way. I fought hard against those things. I never wore makeup until the day I was married, and only a handful of times since. I kept my hair in a ponytail more or less constantly for 15 years. I only wear a skirt when I absolutely have to, and I usually change into pants as soon as the occasion is over. I wore men's pants and baggy t-shirts for many years. (mens pants have bigger pockets) I have since ditched the men's pants, but I still prefer baggy t-shirts although I have been trying not to wear them as much. As a child I enjoyed climbing trees and playing sports like handball, baseball and basketball. I wasn't particularly good at sports, so I never pursued them. I remember preferring to play with Legos or marbles with my brothers than with dolls, although I had plenty of stuffed animals that I played with.
For whatever reason, as I got older I was so ashamed of my body. I felt like I needed to hide myself under baggy clothes. I think I must have hit puberty before most of my friends, and I started developing in ways that they didn't for a couple more years, and I was mortified! It was so bad for a while that I would avoid showering because I didn't even want to let me see myself naked. Then I was dirty and smelly, and it gave me yet another reason to be embarrassed about myself. And periods. Ugh. I still hate periods, by far the worst part of being a woman.
I fell into my roll as a mother pretty well I think. I finally figured out the personal hygiene thing (thank goodness!) Being pregnant was mostly good (no more periods! YAY!) I enjoyed caring for my babies. It wasn't easy, and I was frustrated often, but it was fulfilling, and I love being with my kids. I'm grateful that I don't have to go to work, and that I get this chance to care for and teach my children every day. I do need regular scheduled breaks though or I get burnt out and I'm not a very good mother. None of that seemed very feminine to me though for whatever reason. Even after being a mother for several years, I was still a little uncomfortable with my role as a woman.
It wasn't until I had a daughter that I decided I needed to come to terms with femininity, if only for the sake of my baby girl. For the past three and a half years I have been attempting to figure out exactly what it means to be a woman. I've become a little more comfortable with my body, and I've branched out a little with my hair and manner of dress. I still haven't really braved makeup much. I've gotten over my prejudice against pink and purple and I've learned that I really do like butterflies and flowers (12 years ago, I would never have admitted that, not even to myself.) I've always hated gender stereotypes. They just don't seem fair to me. There are so many men who have more feminine characteristics, and women who have masculine qualities, so beyond the stereotypes, what really makes a woman a woman? Beyond anatomy, beyond body shape, beyond clothes and hair and makeup, and petty preferences, what does it mean to be a woman?
The Family: A Proclamation to the World
All Human Beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.
Jeffrey R. Holland October 2005 General Conference "To Young Women"
First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny.
Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman’s abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”
A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes. She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity. If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Dallin H Oaks, BYU-I address 2006
Be women. Don't fall for the worldly urging that women should emulate men in various masculine characteristics. This is not what the Lord created you to do. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that women should doctors or lawyers or any particular occupations that fits their circumstances. To use lawyering as an example, what I am saying is that women should not attempt to be "manly lawyers," nor should women emulate the worldly ways of womanhood. Your destiny is to be a wife and a mother in Zion, not a model and a streetwalker in Babylon. You should dress and act accordingly.
James E. Faust April 2000 General Conference "Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor"
Many years ago, during the time of President Heber J. Grant, the First Presidency wrote: “The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life. To maintain and to merit this high dignity she must possess those virtues which have always, and which will ever, demand the respect and love of mankind … [because] ‘a beautiful and chaste woman is the perfect workmanship of God.’” To occupy the highest place of honor places a responsibility on young women to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places.
One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.
"As Sisters in Zion" Hymns no. 309
Gospel Topics, "Women in The Church" LDS.org
Women are a necessary part of the plan of happiness, and that plan cannot operate without them. Women participate in the work of salvation, which includes member missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, teaching the gospel, and caring for the poor and needy. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in the Church is given the responsibility to know and defend the divine roles of women, which include that of wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. They stand strong and immovable in faith, in family, and in relief. Women participate in councils that oversee congregational activities throughout the world. They also have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings.
Some of the ways that they describe women, I still don't really feel like they apply to all of us. Sweet and gentle spirit? I know some pretty fierce women, and I know some pretty spectacularly sweet and gentle men. Creativity? Again, that seems like it could apply to men as equally as women. Is this just gender stereotyping again, or are these traits that I am supposed to strive for? If these are not necessarily things that come naturally to me, is this something that I need to work on becoming? Or are these things supposed to all come naturally to me just because I'm a woman, and if they don't, am I just doing something wrong? I understand how women fit into the plan of happiness, and I totally get the separation of roles, and I'm okay with that part, but I guess I'm still not really understanding what really sets us apart. Gender is an eternal concept. I accept that I was female before I had a physical body, but what was it that made me female? I don't understand when they say that womanhood is a place of honor. We are not any better than men are. They have a role just as vital as women have. I don't know where it is written or who said it, but I've hears it said that there isn't really any documentation of Heavenly Mother as a respect to her, so man won't disrespect her as they disrespect Heavenly Father, or something along those lines. But why? Heavenly Father shouldn't be disrespected either. This isn't something that bothers me or preoccupies me overly much, just something that I'm curious about. Anyways, I don't have all of the answers, but in the meantime, I am becoming more comfortable in my skin, and I am happy with my role as a wife and a mother. I wouldn't change it for anything.
(disclaimer: This is probably way more information than anyone needs to know, but this blog is mostly for me, so whatever. )
I spent much of my youth wishing that I weren't a girl. I hated wearing skirts or dresses to church and other formal occasions, I hated feeling pressured to wear makeup and have my hair look a certain way. I fought hard against those things. I never wore makeup until the day I was married, and only a handful of times since. I kept my hair in a ponytail more or less constantly for 15 years. I only wear a skirt when I absolutely have to, and I usually change into pants as soon as the occasion is over. I wore men's pants and baggy t-shirts for many years. (mens pants have bigger pockets) I have since ditched the men's pants, but I still prefer baggy t-shirts although I have been trying not to wear them as much. As a child I enjoyed climbing trees and playing sports like handball, baseball and basketball. I wasn't particularly good at sports, so I never pursued them. I remember preferring to play with Legos or marbles with my brothers than with dolls, although I had plenty of stuffed animals that I played with.
For whatever reason, as I got older I was so ashamed of my body. I felt like I needed to hide myself under baggy clothes. I think I must have hit puberty before most of my friends, and I started developing in ways that they didn't for a couple more years, and I was mortified! It was so bad for a while that I would avoid showering because I didn't even want to let me see myself naked. Then I was dirty and smelly, and it gave me yet another reason to be embarrassed about myself. And periods. Ugh. I still hate periods, by far the worst part of being a woman.
I fell into my roll as a mother pretty well I think. I finally figured out the personal hygiene thing (thank goodness!) Being pregnant was mostly good (no more periods! YAY!) I enjoyed caring for my babies. It wasn't easy, and I was frustrated often, but it was fulfilling, and I love being with my kids. I'm grateful that I don't have to go to work, and that I get this chance to care for and teach my children every day. I do need regular scheduled breaks though or I get burnt out and I'm not a very good mother. None of that seemed very feminine to me though for whatever reason. Even after being a mother for several years, I was still a little uncomfortable with my role as a woman.
It wasn't until I had a daughter that I decided I needed to come to terms with femininity, if only for the sake of my baby girl. For the past three and a half years I have been attempting to figure out exactly what it means to be a woman. I've become a little more comfortable with my body, and I've branched out a little with my hair and manner of dress. I still haven't really braved makeup much. I've gotten over my prejudice against pink and purple and I've learned that I really do like butterflies and flowers (12 years ago, I would never have admitted that, not even to myself.) I've always hated gender stereotypes. They just don't seem fair to me. There are so many men who have more feminine characteristics, and women who have masculine qualities, so beyond the stereotypes, what really makes a woman a woman? Beyond anatomy, beyond body shape, beyond clothes and hair and makeup, and petty preferences, what does it mean to be a woman?
The Family: A Proclamation to the World
All Human Beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose.
Mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children. In these sacred responsibilities, fathers and mothers are obligated to help one another as equal partners.
Jeffrey R. Holland October 2005 General Conference "To Young Women"
First of all, I want you to be proud you are a woman. I want you to feel the reality of what that means, to know who you truly are. You are literally a spirit daughter of heavenly parents with a divine nature and an eternal destiny.
Be a woman of Christ. Cherish your esteemed place in the sight of God. He needs you. This Church needs you. The world needs you. A woman’s abiding trust in God and unfailing devotion to things of the Spirit have always been an anchor when the wind and the waves of life were fiercest. I say to you what the Prophet Joseph said more than 150 years ago: “If you live up to your privileges, the angels cannot be restrained from being your associates.”
A woman not of our faith once wrote something to the effect that in her years of working with beautiful women she had seen several things they all had in common, and not one of them had anything to do with sizes and shapes. She said the loveliest women she had known had a glow of health, a warm personality, a love of learning, stability of character, and integrity. If we may add the sweet and gentle Spirit of the Lord carried by such a woman, then this describes the loveliness of women in any age or time, every element of which is emphasized in and attainable through the blessings of the gospel of Jesus Christ.
Dallin H Oaks, BYU-I address 2006
Be women. Don't fall for the worldly urging that women should emulate men in various masculine characteristics. This is not what the Lord created you to do. Please don't misunderstand me. I am not saying that women should doctors or lawyers or any particular occupations that fits their circumstances. To use lawyering as an example, what I am saying is that women should not attempt to be "manly lawyers," nor should women emulate the worldly ways of womanhood. Your destiny is to be a wife and a mother in Zion, not a model and a streetwalker in Babylon. You should dress and act accordingly.
James E. Faust April 2000 General Conference "Womanhood: The Highest Place of Honor"
Many years ago, during the time of President Heber J. Grant, the First Presidency wrote: “The true spirit of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints gives to woman the highest place of honor in human life. To maintain and to merit this high dignity she must possess those virtues which have always, and which will ever, demand the respect and love of mankind … [because] ‘a beautiful and chaste woman is the perfect workmanship of God.’” To occupy the highest place of honor places a responsibility on young women to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all places.
One of your unique, precious, and sublime gifts is your femininity, with its natural grace, goodness, and divinity. Femininity is not just lipstick, stylish hairdos, and trendy clothes. It is the divine adornment of humanity. It finds expression in your qualities of your capacity to love, your spirituality, delicacy, radiance, sensitivity, creativity, charm, graciousness, gentleness, dignity, and quiet strength. It is manifest differently in each girl or woman, but each of you possesses it. Femininity is part of your inner beauty.
One of your particular gifts
is your feminine intuition. Do not limit yourselves. As you seek to know
the will of our Heavenly Father in your life and become more spiritual,
you will be far more attractive, even irresistible. You can use your
smiling loveliness to bless those you love and all you meet, and spread
great joy. Femininity is part of the God-given divinity within each of
you. It is your incomparable power and influence to do good. You can,
through your supernal gifts, bless the lives of children, women, and
men. Be proud of your womanhood. Enhance it. Use it to serve others.
"As Sisters in Zion" Hymns no. 309
“The errand of angels is given to women;
And this is a gift that, as sisters, we claim:
To do whatsoever is gentle and human,
To cheer and to bless in humanity’s name.
How vast is our purpose, how broad is our mission,
If we but fulfill it in spirit and deed.
Oh, naught but the Spirit’s divinest tuition
Can give us the wisdom to truly succeed.”
Women are a necessary part of the plan of happiness, and that plan cannot operate without them. Women participate in the work of salvation, which includes member missionary work, convert retention, activation of less-active members, temple and family history work, teaching the gospel, and caring for the poor and needy. As a disciple of Jesus Christ, every woman in the Church is given the responsibility to know and defend the divine roles of women, which include that of wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, and friend. They stand strong and immovable in faith, in family, and in relief. Women participate in councils that oversee congregational activities throughout the world. They also have, by divine nature, the greater gift and responsibility for home and children and nurturing there and in other settings.
Some of the ways that they describe women, I still don't really feel like they apply to all of us. Sweet and gentle spirit? I know some pretty fierce women, and I know some pretty spectacularly sweet and gentle men. Creativity? Again, that seems like it could apply to men as equally as women. Is this just gender stereotyping again, or are these traits that I am supposed to strive for? If these are not necessarily things that come naturally to me, is this something that I need to work on becoming? Or are these things supposed to all come naturally to me just because I'm a woman, and if they don't, am I just doing something wrong? I understand how women fit into the plan of happiness, and I totally get the separation of roles, and I'm okay with that part, but I guess I'm still not really understanding what really sets us apart. Gender is an eternal concept. I accept that I was female before I had a physical body, but what was it that made me female? I don't understand when they say that womanhood is a place of honor. We are not any better than men are. They have a role just as vital as women have. I don't know where it is written or who said it, but I've hears it said that there isn't really any documentation of Heavenly Mother as a respect to her, so man won't disrespect her as they disrespect Heavenly Father, or something along those lines. But why? Heavenly Father shouldn't be disrespected either. This isn't something that bothers me or preoccupies me overly much, just something that I'm curious about. Anyways, I don't have all of the answers, but in the meantime, I am becoming more comfortable in my skin, and I am happy with my role as a wife and a mother. I wouldn't change it for anything.
I really like the thoughts you share here. Your journey of growth is inspiring to me. I love how you are allowing yourself to change (like how you can now admit you like some things that you never would have before). I agree that gender stereotypes are frustrating. I love the questions that you ask. For example,
ReplyDelete" Is this just gender stereotyping again, or are these traits that I am supposed to strive for? If these are not necessarily things that come naturally to me, is this something that I need to work on becoming? Or are these things supposed to all come naturally to me just because I'm a woman, and if they don't, am I just doing something wrong?"
This made me start wondering this about myself. What do I believe? I think that at this point in my life, I don't think that we are all meant to be the same and that trying to fit into certain expectations can just leave us feeling frustrated and like failures. I think that when I feel most positive and the best about myself is when I accept who I am and try to use skills that I have that I feel more naturally good at.
I also love this point you made, "I don't understand when they say that womanhood is a place of honor. We are not any better than men are." I personally feel good about thinking of men and woman as equal, though not exactly the same. But, then again, I don't see all woman as the same. Or all men as the same.
I love your honesty in your writing. I hope that like you, I can strive to be come more comfortable with who I am. And that I can learn to accept myself. I think it is wonderful how you are happy with your role as a wife and a mother and wouldn't change that for anything.