Who is April?

That's a good question. I used to know.

I used to be smart. I used to revel in my school work, although I rarely got good grades.
I used to think I was smarter than everybody else.
I used to be lazy.
I used to be irresponsible.
I used to have a good memory. I used to remember everything, especially random historical facts, or the names and capitals of every country in the world.
I used to want to be a high school history teacher.
I used to want to be a writer. I used to spend hours on end writing.
I used to sing with my siblings every chance I got.
I used to stay up late at night singing with my sister in voices that blended nearly perfectly. 
I used to play with my nieces and nephews and dreamed of having a house full of children of my own.
I used to think I was patient, and nothing could ever bother me.
I used to have siblings around me all the time to be my best friends.
I used to like to play sports, although I was never any good at them.
I used to have 100% seminary attendance and have memorized every single scripture mastery scripture.
I used to know all of the answers to every question, or if I didn't, I would pretend I did, but didn't want to answer.
I used to go out of my way to talk about my religion to everyone I came into contact with.
I used to ride my bike all over, just to feel the wind in my face, and see the trees, and smell the fresh air.
I used to play the harmonica.
I used to play the guitar.
I used to whittle.
I used to sit in front of cool looking buildings or trees, and draw them.

I used to be a lot of things.
But who am I now?


Now, I like to think that I'm still smart, but it's really hard to think when you've gotten very little sleep, and the only conversations that come up in the day are poopy pants and more snacks.
Now, I'm not allowed to be lazy.
Now, I'm not allowed to be irresponsible.
Now, I'm lucky if I remember where I put my keys.
Now, I still want to teach,but mostly I just want to teach my children how to read, or just get along for five minutes.
Now, I still want to write, but mostly I write the letters over and over for my children to trace.
Now, I still sing every chance I get, but it's a little different singing I've been working on the railroad when I'm cleaning the kitchen, without the harmony joining in.
Now, I still like to sing with my siblings, but for some reason I feel like their voices have all gotten better, and mine no longer blends as well.
Now, I have a house full of kids, and it's a lot harder than I thought. There's a lot less playing, and a lot more whining.
Now, I struggle with my patience every single day, and it's a phenomenal day if I can make it through without yelling.
Now, my siblings are spread far and wide, and I try to talk to them often, but for the first time in my life, I'm really being forced to make some different friends.
Now, I like the idea of sports, but I'm ridiculously out of shape, and too self conscious to exercise in front of people anyways. And Yoga isn't a sport... I just can't bring myself to do it.
Now, I struggle to read my scriptures, and when I do, it's more so I can mark something off my to do list, than to gain actual gospel insight.
Now, I hardly ever answer questions because I know that I'm most likely wrong, and I don't want to show off my ignorance.
Now, I barely talk with anyone at all, and when I do I'm usually complaining.
Now, I don't ever go outside. It's too cold. It's too windy. I can't ride my bike because I'm not strong enough to pull the trailer with kids in it up these hills.
Now, I don't play the harmonica, I don't play the guitar, and I don't play the piano... even though I still have all three in my home.
Now, I haven't whittled in five years, and I'm sure I wasn't any good at it in the first place.
Now, I don't draw at all, except when trying to convince a child that drawing is a good way to pass their time.

I am a mom.
I get to watch my own children grow and learn every single day.
I get to give and receive hugs and kisses that I was never comfortable with as a child.
I don't do a lot of the things that I used to do because I spend my time caring for my children. And I'm okay with that. Now is the season in my life that I need to be focused on my children rather than myself.
I am more organized now than I have been ever at any point in my life... not that my home looks it.
I do have friends now that I really enjoy spending time with. I just need to work on getting out of my shell and participating more without every conversation being about my problems.
I do have talents like singing and writing and drawing. I need to stop comparing my talents to those of my super talented siblings and friends, and work on just developing my talents because I want to, and because God gave me those talents, and it is my responsibility to use them for good.
I need to prioritize my time better, and spend more time with my kids doing things that will benefit them.
I need to trust in God more. I need him to help me to raise these children that he has entrusted me with.
I need to take better care of myself so that I will have more time and energy to care for my children.
There are a lot of things that I need to do, and one of the things that I feel l need to do, is find something that I can do that does not involve my children at all. Something that is all me. Something that will help give me back some sense of self.
I hope I'm not being selfish in this. I love my children, and I do everything that I can to take care of them and help them and teach them, but I am losing ME.

Who am I now? It's time I figure that out again. I am mom, and that's great, but I'm also April.