Understanding Loneliness

lone·ly  [lohn-lee]

1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.

2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, intercourse, support, etc.: a lonely exile.

3. lone; solitary; without company; companionless.

4. remote from places of human habitation; desolate; unfrequented; bleak: a lonely road.

5. standing apart; isolated: a lonely tower. 

 

 

Am I lonely? I suppose I am. But I am never alone. I always always always have children with me. But I look forward to when they go to bed, and I am left in the quiet. But if I enjoy the quiet so much, then why do I feel so lonely so often? 

Several of my siblings came to visit a couple of weeks ago, and I was so looking forward to them being here. I was so so excited, and then when they were here I loved it! But I was also very overwhelmed and I was very much looking forward to them going home so I could have a little bit of quiet again. After they left, I enjoyed the quiet for a few hours, and then I was wishing they were here again because once again, I felt lonely. 

Dean has been out of town for the last six weeks, coming home for just a day, sometimes two on the weekends. All week long I can't wait for him to come, but then once he's here the time passes quickly, and then he's gone again. I love it when he's here, and I keep thinking that seeing him for that one day will rejuvenate me for the coming week, but it always seems that I'm even more lonely right after he leaves, then when he's been gone all week long. 

Every single day I go out of my way to try and be around people. On Mondays and Wednesdays I take the boys to preschool, and I hang around for as long as I can afterwards just trying to soak in the company, even if it's just for five minutes. On Tuesdays we go to the library, and then to the fourth ward play group, but even then I generally just sit there and watch the kids play and say little to anyone else. For some reason, I crave social contact so much, but once I'm there with people, I don't take advantage of it. On Thursdays I usually don't see anyone or go anywhere, and those days are really hard. Not only because I don't get to have any social contact, but also because my kids don't have anything different to break up their day. Fridays there is usually some sort of play group with my ward, either at the church, or some sort of lunch gathering. Last week there was both, and yes, I went to both, and we were out all morning, around people all day until the late afternoon. I loved it, but once again, I didn't really participate much in the conversations, and when I got home, I was left feeling even more lonely than before. I don't get it! I love to be around people, and yet, I don't do anything once I am, and I'm not able to shake that feeling of loneliness.

I kinda wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I grew up with so many siblings. I always had someone to talk to, someone to play with, someone to just be there when I wanted some social contact. Always. I was never alone, I was never lonely. Okay, that's not true. I had the same issues with friends back then as I did now. I would go to things like mutual, or study groups, or just about anything where I knew there would be people there. I would work myself up thinking that they would be great, but then when I got there, I wouldn't talk to anyone at all. Then I would go home and feel sorry for myself, then go hang out with my sister and all was well. 

Even now, some days I'll spend an hour or more talking to one of my siblings, and in that moment I'm happy, but as soon as I get off the phone I feel lonelier than ever. Why? I just don't get it! What do I have to do so that I won't have that perpetual feeling of loneliness? I really hope that it'll be better once Dean is home for good, but I kinda doubt it will be much better because I was lonely before this even started. It will be better though, because while he is there, I have that company, and in that moment I am happy. I just never want to be alone ever... is that the issue? I can't really do anything about that, because I'm not always going to people with me. I do enjoy being alone though. At times I just want to be alone so I can think, so I can write, so I can sleep. Maybe the problem isn't that I'm alone, but that I'm alone with my children. I love my children, but they stress me out so much. I need to work on that.