He's leaving
Dean took a few days off work this past week, just to use his vacation days before the fiscal year ended. Tuesday and Wednesday he spent cleaning, and rearanging the boys' bedroom, and planting a tree, mowing the lawn, and just getting a bunch of other jobs done that he has been putting off for a while. Thursday he was just going to take for himself to play games and hang out with friends etc. Thursday morning I walked Deano to school, leaving Isaac and Andrew with Dean. It was a long hike home up steep hills, and my belly and back were aching pretty badly by the time I got back. I collapsed on the couch next to Dean, dreading the rest of the days work if I was already feeling like this. Then Dean dropped the bombshell. He had received a phone call while I was gone telling him that he would be deploying, leaving in just three weeks. At first I thought he was kidding. I begged him to just be kidding. Then my pregnancy hormones kicked in and the tears started. I don't usually cry much... Then both physically and emotionally drained I took the boys to toddler group and pretended that everything was fine.
I just got done reading the blog that I wrote when I was saying that Dean would no longer be deploying, and those concerns that I had about him not going seem so ridiculous now. He will be going. Much sooner than anyone expected, and he won't be able to come back for a visit in December like we had originally been told. When he leaves in three weeks, that's it. I won't see him for at least ten months, possibly longer. I was hesitant to believe that he would actually be staying, and I guess it was for good reason. I had only just barely accepted that he wouldn't be going, and all of a sudden he is.
The implications of him being gone keep hitting me one by one, each time causing me a stab of grief. Once I get through all of this, I think I will be okay, but for now, with each new realization, it's like ripping open the wound. He's not going to be here when our daughter is born, and he won't even meet her until she is at least eight months old. We're fairly certain this will be our last baby, and he's going to miss everything in those early months. He'll miss Deano's sixth birthday, and we were going to throw him a birthday party for the first time. He's going to miss Isaac turning two, and Andrew turning five. He won't be here for Halloween, when I had finally talked him into dressing up with the rest of the family. He's going to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every other holiday for the next year. He was discussing with Deano's kindergarten teacher coming in to talk to the class on Veterans day. He won't be here to help Deano with his homework. He won't be here to help me take the kids sledding in the winter, or to take them to the zoo in the spring, or the county fair, or the rodeo in summer. He won't take the boys on their daddy dates anymore. He's not going to be here to play in the backyard with the boys on Saturdays. He isn't going to be here for family home evening every week, or family scripture study every evening. He's going to miss Andrew's first day of kindergarten, and Deano starting first grade. I won't be able to sleep in occasionally ever. I will have to make dinner every single night, and will never get a day off. I'll have to figure out how to make those meals that only he makes. I'm going to have to find a babysitter so I can go to relief society activities and choir practice... or maybe just drop out of the ward choir since I'll have no one to sit with the kids. I won't be able to finish watching the show we were watching together until he gets back. He's not going to be here to change lightbulbs, or mow the lawn, or clear snow off the car. He's not going to be able to make sure that the sprinkler system is up and running in the spring. When are we going to bless this baby? Do we wait until he comes back, or have someone else do it? What if the baby dies? What if she comes out a boy, am I supposed to choose his name all by myself? Am I going to be totally alone when I have the baby? Would I want anyone else there? Isaac probably won't even remember him when he gets back as anything other than a face on the computer screen or a voice on the phone. He's not going to be able to run to the grocery store on his way home from work. He's not going to be there to drive whenever we go to Utah. I'm not going to be able to go on dates with him. We can't just sit around and talk about nothing anymore. I'm losing my best friend, and my husband.
See what I mean? Each one of these came with a moment of realization, and I keep on thinking of more, and every single one of them hurts. Once I get through all of them, and probably after he's gone and we get into the swing of things, then I'll be okay, even as I am missing him. Him being gone will be the new routine, and everything will be fine. Time seems to pass by so quickly, this will pass as well.
I just got done reading the blog that I wrote when I was saying that Dean would no longer be deploying, and those concerns that I had about him not going seem so ridiculous now. He will be going. Much sooner than anyone expected, and he won't be able to come back for a visit in December like we had originally been told. When he leaves in three weeks, that's it. I won't see him for at least ten months, possibly longer. I was hesitant to believe that he would actually be staying, and I guess it was for good reason. I had only just barely accepted that he wouldn't be going, and all of a sudden he is.
The implications of him being gone keep hitting me one by one, each time causing me a stab of grief. Once I get through all of this, I think I will be okay, but for now, with each new realization, it's like ripping open the wound. He's not going to be here when our daughter is born, and he won't even meet her until she is at least eight months old. We're fairly certain this will be our last baby, and he's going to miss everything in those early months. He'll miss Deano's sixth birthday, and we were going to throw him a birthday party for the first time. He's going to miss Isaac turning two, and Andrew turning five. He won't be here for Halloween, when I had finally talked him into dressing up with the rest of the family. He's going to miss Thanksgiving, Christmas, and every other holiday for the next year. He was discussing with Deano's kindergarten teacher coming in to talk to the class on Veterans day. He won't be here to help Deano with his homework. He won't be here to help me take the kids sledding in the winter, or to take them to the zoo in the spring, or the county fair, or the rodeo in summer. He won't take the boys on their daddy dates anymore. He's not going to be here to play in the backyard with the boys on Saturdays. He isn't going to be here for family home evening every week, or family scripture study every evening. He's going to miss Andrew's first day of kindergarten, and Deano starting first grade. I won't be able to sleep in occasionally ever. I will have to make dinner every single night, and will never get a day off. I'll have to figure out how to make those meals that only he makes. I'm going to have to find a babysitter so I can go to relief society activities and choir practice... or maybe just drop out of the ward choir since I'll have no one to sit with the kids. I won't be able to finish watching the show we were watching together until he gets back. He's not going to be here to change lightbulbs, or mow the lawn, or clear snow off the car. He's not going to be able to make sure that the sprinkler system is up and running in the spring. When are we going to bless this baby? Do we wait until he comes back, or have someone else do it? What if the baby dies? What if she comes out a boy, am I supposed to choose his name all by myself? Am I going to be totally alone when I have the baby? Would I want anyone else there? Isaac probably won't even remember him when he gets back as anything other than a face on the computer screen or a voice on the phone. He's not going to be able to run to the grocery store on his way home from work. He's not going to be there to drive whenever we go to Utah. I'm not going to be able to go on dates with him. We can't just sit around and talk about nothing anymore. I'm losing my best friend, and my husband.
See what I mean? Each one of these came with a moment of realization, and I keep on thinking of more, and every single one of them hurts. Once I get through all of them, and probably after he's gone and we get into the swing of things, then I'll be okay, even as I am missing him. Him being gone will be the new routine, and everything will be fine. Time seems to pass by so quickly, this will pass as well.
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